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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Jul 27, 2015 21:03:04 GMT -8
(Written in Elvish, her soft looping script filled with stops and starts, and the occasional ink spot from staying on the page too long. The cover is a deep maroon-dyed leather with the impression of wings, the pages simple otherwise, but warded against intrusion and hidden away.)
~ July 27th ~
I'd meant to do something of the sort much sooner. I'd meant to do a lot of things 'much sooner', but the choices we make, they haunt us, and sometimes, save us. I'm still not -completely- sure which this is yet.
If you'd asked me six months ago, even three months ago, if I'd any idea that I'd be sitting in a little house on a moving island a lifetime away from everything I've known, I would have told you, you were delirious, fae-touched, or you'd flown too close to the sun. And that choice of traveling companion? HA! Never. But things, well, they change. Your life, your expectations, and what, at the end of it - well - what you think you have waiting.
And even, being an elf, our expected long lives, well - nothing of when I grew up, nor even the hell I went through as a child and the rigorous training my kin put me through... -Nothing- prepared me for this. The folly of the young.
All I can say now, is that admittedly I'm in a far better place than I have any right to be. I don't have love, that's alright, I never looked for it, and don't want it or expect it. I refuse to have anyone care about me and be left behind, it's not being cold-hearted, I just can't take the thought of causing another pain by my demise. Because -that- will happen, hopefully later rather than sooner, but like anything else, life is full of surprises, and well - you never know when.
I do have... someone I strangely respect. He could have taken advantage of me when we met, maybe he still will, but so far, that hasn't happened. He's my teacher, my protector, my bodyguard, though the looks I get from that last word are well, a bit of a hassle. But it's true. Even if he's not at my side 24/7, he still watches out for me. Well, he has to, but, that's a whole different part of the story.
And the link that we -do- share, is far less breakable than I ever could be. I have a lot to learn, and a long way to go. But maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel after all, I just have to fly high enough to get to it.
But for tonight, I'll suffice with reading my precious scrolls, and learning my spells, and drift into my Reverie to wait and see what's at the dawn of the next day, step by step, wingbeat by wingbeat.
~ Meri
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Jul 29, 2015 8:31:05 GMT -8
~July 29th~
I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday, it's been hectic, still so much to catch up on, so much I'm not sure I -want- to put in print, but at the same time, I need to. If nothing else so I don't forget how things were for me now, so I don't forget my past, even if I end up thinking myself naive, stupid, and with so much to learn. My faith is tested every day. I know I've done things I shouldn't have, but at the same time, if I hadn't, well - I'd still be home and well, we both know how -that- was working out.
I've been far luckier than I have a reason right to be, at least in my mind. He tells me differently though. There are times I wonder, if I commanded him never to lie to me, how things would change. I know they would, a lot. Is it bad though, that for once in my life, the only judgement I receive is what I seem to heap upon myself, and I don't want to change that?
I'm happy at the Magic Shop, how could I not be? Access to seemingly-endless knowledge, though it would be nice to have more traffic in and out. The Owner seems to be away more often than not, and though there are things that... I think I'm starting to understand about him, strangely, I'm not alarmed. I never though I'd be comfortable around another avariel. He doesn't seem to want anything of me though, other than my job, so I'm alright with that.
I can't get that party out of my head. I may need to go to the Village today. See who I can find, find out what I can about those people. Maybe that Captain that stopped by, maybe he's learned something. The adults, that's one thing, they've lived their lives, had at least part of their fill. But... Adria.
(Here, the ink splatters and the the page is distorted from what looks like water drops, the script seems broken off, then starts again, the penmanship a bit rougher.)
I hope Sibylla and the baby are alright. Goddess, what will Veryan do?
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Aug 3, 2015 19:22:18 GMT -8
~August 3rd~
I haven't seen either of them in the Village, it's like they were wiped off the map. Maybe something did happen. I hope not.
I'm sitting here, staring at the Shrine, just ... just begging for Her to tell me what I'm doing wrong. Well, that's stupid, I know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know how to fix it though, I don't think I can, maybe.
Nymeria saw my wings today... so did that new elf, Cuthalion... She... she went to hug me, and I didn't realize it in time and couldn't pull away, and well, yeah, feathers in the face.
I understand her reaction, I really do, but... the look she gave me when she -did- see them, both of them. And people wonder why I hide them.
(The ink is spattered again, the words broken off as if the pen was thrown aside.)
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Aug 13, 2015 23:34:02 GMT -8
~August 13th~
It's been busy the last few days, strangely so and yet, so wonderfully so at the same time. Some new faces, others familiar. Some heartening, some... discomfiting though I don't think they even meant to be. But new and amazing all the same, and the breadth of knowledge to learn from, grows daily.
I see less and less of him lately. I almost feel normal again, our separate paths usually linking only at the beginning or end of every day, me with the Shop that takes most of my time now that Zeri has seemed to fade away, him with - whatever he does in his time. I have started to ask less and worry less of what happens when I'm not about, and just work on the knowledge that if something comes up that might affect us both, that he will have the foresight to let me know. I have to trust him, my life is in his hands. I'd like to think it means I'm getting more comfortable with our arrangement, but I honestly can't be sure.
Speaking of Zeri, I've not seen him since the night of Veryan's ritual. Perhaps there was something that affected him more than he cared to share, I wonder, and I worry, but, it's not my place to pry, and well - it's not like he doesn't know where to find me, should he wish.
I've been so buried in the shop lately, I decided I needed to get out more. It's been, well, it's been quite delightful really. I met some new faces unexpectedly and had the most intriguing conversations. I shared a delightful breakfast this morning under the sun and the dapple of leaves with a wonderful person. He saw my wings, and yet again, I was humbled by the reaction. No derision, no castigation, simply surprise and amazement that I would keep such an aspect to myself. I didn't hide them again until after he left. Perhaps... perhaps I am wrong to hide them, but old habits die hard, especially those learned over the space of a century. Little by little though, I see the reactions of those I encounter, and mostly, their words give me hope.
I healed a swan today... Yes, a swan mind you, of an arrow wound, the story behind that could fill it's own pages... I think I've hired a new employee too, though there is talk of trials and the like, I don't think one will really be necessary, it seems too perfect, but there is always a chance to be right.
Speaking of business, the last couple days has seemed to be feast or famine, these new environs that I find myself in are either crowded full, or echoingly empty, but the flow of those seeking knowledge to expand their horizons? Every face, every hopeful expression makes me smile.
These new environs. That blasted Damien... not only did that silly human open the carefully collected - and expensively-contained, mind you - bag of winds I'd obtained, and knock about everything in the shop that now had to be reorganized, but it yanked the building straight from it's roots and deposited it where the Warden's Keep once stood... It was stronger than I'd expected, and though it heartens me to know of it, I'm furious for the waste. The fact that said Keep was apparently burned down by angry Wolves does not make me comfortable to occupy it's old home, however, I will do my best to keep in the Wolves' good graces where I can, and hope that I and the shop are not seen as a threat, perhaps they have casters...
I really do -not- want to move into the Village. It's all well and good for those who need the press of people about them, but our little hill with our three little shops, well - I'm actually content here, with the Forest just a stone's throw away. I've heard rumors of some new taxes being thrown about. Yet another reason to avoid the Village in my mind.
I think it's time to find my Reverie... Perhaps tonight, it will be happy memories. I hope so.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Aug 16, 2015 1:44:28 GMT -8
~August 16th~
I can't sleep. Well, of course I don't -sleep- but... Reverie, it eludes me. I want to, need to, but so many things going through my head, hold me from it. Today was... scattered. It started out so lovely, I found Bane back in the tavern again this morning, and availed myself of the most delicious breakfast I've had in - well - quite some time. I met another unique individual, and though I never got her name, she has made an impression on me with her quiet mannerisms, and unusual dress, and the soft voice that well - is worse than me when I'm out of place. I hope she'll be happy here.
I went for a flight afterwards, it was breathtaking, the sun was warm and I felt more at ease than I had in a while, but shortly after I touched down, and went back to my lessons, trying to learn this blasted spell, the strangest thing happened. But enough of that, I'd rather not speak of it more. Other than Daisuke stopping by the shop, which was a welcomed surprise though far too brief, the rest of the day seemed to go downhill.
He is off, doing whatever again. He asked me briefly about the last full moon, and things that had happened that night. I, of course after being fiercely admonished to stay home, including an arrow in my door to help 'convince me' had done just that, and yet again had been left wondering as to his status until the next morning when he came home long after I'd left for the shop. If I didn't assuredly know better, I'd've thought him moon-called. But apparently something about what happened then is caught in his head and he wants my help - I think - to discover more. Honestly, what I can do with little to no info, I'm not sure, nor why he's so intent, but - I suppose if it's important enough, I'll find out. Or not.
I realized today I'm missing one of my dresses.
I've spent enough time away from the shop I think in the mornings. All it seems to do is make me worry that I might miss something. I can enjoy the sunlight as it streams in the window, it's just as pretty that way. I can't help but wonder What a ill-fated joke. I need to just get over this, need to drift into that shifted perception where things don't bother me anymore. I almost envy him sometimes for that.
It's not as easy as it seems, to distance yourself, even if you want to. Yesterday, after the woman that brought me the swan had left, the captain who had stopped in, well, we spoke a little bit. Of course, having had needed to heal the swan, hadn't put me in the best of moods. He seemed surprised that, oh how did he phrase it, that we didn't have it all figured out? Something like that. I told him that just because we were longer-lived didn't mean we figured things out early, we just had a lot more time to work through it.
Goddess knows I'm far from perfect. -THAT- is obvious. So why did he look at me that way, like, like maybe he understood?
Time to try to drift again, maybe it'll work this time. Maybe. I hope.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Aug 24, 2015 15:47:40 GMT -8
~August 24th~
It's been a few days again, and though I'd like to say they've been quiet and peaceful, I can't.
I saw Cedar yesterday, not with a swan this time, though I'd almost wished it had been so simple. No, she came to the Infirmary as I was leaving, and showed me something that nearly chilled me to the bone. Not that I could have, would have told her of such. No, I had to pretend like nothing major was amiss, and just do what best I could. Goddess Above, I don't ask You for much, but please I will beg of You now as I begged of You then, cure that sickening infection in her. I don't know her well, and though she might laugh if she ever read these words, she seems... a good sort overall.
I even understand why she did what she had with the swan, her intentions were good though I felt horrified at the time, but - no one deserves to die like this. Please, let what I've done be enough. The Blessed waters, the bathing of the limb, I couldn't 'cure' her the way I'd wanted, the Blessing I have but not quite the means to perform it. But the realization of her plight makes me study my books all the harder, even knowing I have no chance to save her other than my efforts to date. It should be enough, will be, but it doesn't change how guilty I feel for my own shortcomings.
I -should- have been able to cast it. Why did I waste my time on things like claws and strengthened skin and dreams, when I left something so ... so integral to who I -should- be, why did I leave that lacking?? I'd almost say it was his influence, but I can't blame him. I, the one 'in charge'... he is supposed to teach me, but I should have directed this. It will be enough. It has to be, I followed the guidelines I'd been taught, the things I've learned, I just... still feel like I should have done more.
She said the Captain was hurt at the same time, I can only pray she's the only one afflicted and didn't decide to withhold it from me for... whatever reason. Perhaps I should bring her more of the Blessed waters, just in case, if I can find her. She'd said she'd found a place in the Forest, that I know well enough, though I hate to pry into another's environs. This isn't the usual asking for a cup of sugar, it cou.... No, it's not my place.
I'm so torn. I hate seeing people suffer, hate the idea of those that have shown seemingly-random kindnesses be affected by ill, for whatever they found, and it certainly does seem it was one of those Shadelings, it was nothing natural to cause that wound.
It's not my place, I have to keep reminding myself of that, Cypriana has a host of healers that are well-trained. But they don't have Her Blessing. That's why I'd gone to the Infirmary after all, to learn from her this spell that seems so crucial to me, but - I spoke to her about working with her, and came home and read the form she'd given me to peruse, and stopped short.
'...may not aid in actions of war (they may only serve to tend to the wounded), must respect life itself and do all one can to preserve it...'
Lofty ideals, but as I read those words, I... I realize now, I just can't. I'm not the sort to run -to- a fight, but neither will I run away if it comes to me, and realizing that there are some on the Isle that would do me or those I care about harm? No, I can not in all good conscience, sign this document. If Cypriana will teach me the spell regardless, then I will happily learn from her, but - that will have to be all.
I hope she's not offended. I can understand if she is, and won't begrudge her at all, but I pray not. She is one of the few I would defend in a heartbeat.
I keep trying to draw my thoughts together amongst the day-to-day things that occur, the visit from our apparent new Harbor Master - Mistress? Whichever, she who runs the Harbor and seems... interesting in her own right. That, and now with this massive storm, the reports of lives lost, the Mers' uprising, though strangely today seems almost peaceful. The movement of the Isle feels off. The wind seems to blow from a different direction, and the stars have moved, I don't notice from the ground but on my flight this morning, as the sun was cracking over the horizon... it was strange. I can't pretend to know what it means.
I want to draw the mages together, we're so... scattered. I know the ones that have come through my door, at least briefly, to buy a book, ask about a spell, we have so many. We should be... united somehow, even with our differences. That is weighing on my mind too. I'll find a way.
I hope they're both ok. Please Goddess, I beseech You, let it be alright.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Aug 30, 2015 19:54:07 GMT -8
~August 30th~
Thank the Goddess in all Her glory. Cedar and the Captain are both well and healed. I was worried, not that I doubted Her, but I doubted myself in delivering Her works. But whether it was Her direct intervention when Cedar went to Her Shrine, or the infusion and bathing, either way, she's healed. And in being able to do such, was able in turn to heal the Captain of whatever ailment he'd taken. So I can go to Reverie with some sense of ease tonight, for the first time in... a week? I need not to care so much, I know there's so much I can't do anything about, so much that i... well - partially I choose to miss, and partially I need to miss.
But I'll rest well tonight.
(Here the text breaks off, and the page ends.)
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Sept 2, 2015 23:12:54 GMT -8
~September 2nd~
He's back! He's back! I'd thought I'd never see my friend again, but he's back. Bardaer, the Drow that ... yes yes I know, a Drow. He... He isn't like most, nothing like the ones I knew when I was young, nor those that killed my family. He's back. Someone I can talk to, someone else that understands Magic the way I do... Sees it as opportunities for discovery, not re-learning what he already knew.
I've missed him. He's asked and I've agreed of course, about him working in the Shop, I warned him about Lower and the Harbor for now, just in case, but - we're going to catch up tomorrow, he's resting there tonight. Me? Me, I'm curling up on my bed, thankful for the candlelight and trying to get my thoughts on paper before I roll over and pass out into Reverie. I'm delighted, and anxious, and worrisome, but mostly delighted.
I also found out, that the Captain is no longer the Captain. Though neither went into detail, both Cedar & Cailean both seem pleased at the idea, him even more so of course.
I'm sorry - as excited as I am, my body is screaming at me for Reverie. And so I go.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Sept 20, 2015 18:26:02 GMT -8
~September 20th~
How time flies.
How things change so fast.
Yet again, people I thought I knew? I was wrong.
This sudden blackness that has taken over the Forest scares me. I hate to admit it, but after the Isle's shift, and things started to go awry... was it the change in path that started this or something else? There is a tree in the Forest, a tree that once was light and full of life, and now, is just black and dark and withered. The ichor that has surrounded it and pooled about, polluting the Forest, makes my nose itch and my belly tighten and the knowledge of what just a touch can do, I...
Cedar and I - we tried to stop it, tried to do what we could to stem the tide, but - it didn't help, the Blackness lessened, but - it had spread too far - too much. And I don't know how to stop it. I spent some time at the Shrine, with Her, hoping to get guidance, but... She didn't answer.
Our supplies are running low, but Cedar & I have an idea ... that's it, she's here. It's time to go.
I'll see you in a couple days... if the Goddess grants.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Sept 26, 2015 21:00:24 GMT -8
~September 26th~
We made it safely there, and safely back, with everything else going on though, I'd forgotten to write. Not that anyone noticed per se, but, well -I- know I forgot to. Cedar & I, we took a trip to Kigery, I am ok with writing it down now that we're back, that we made it. It was quite a trip to be sure, so many new things I've never seen before. It was bright and happy there, beautiful, so many people - like it -should- be here. No dark forest, plenty of food to be had, there was this sweet roll, Goddess, it was... Oh never mind. Anyway, we got what we needed, I found more spellbooks I'd wanted, picked up some reagents I needed, and worked out a contact or two in case I need to go back.
We came back to the situation getting worse. I don't know what most are doing on the Isle to eat, perhaps scavenging from the Forest's plant life. All I know is I'm being -very- careful of the minimal supplies I have, and just hoping they'll last, but I have a feeling I'll be making another trip to Kigery. I don't want to impose on Cedar more than I already am. She's letting me stay in one of her room in town over the tavern, figuring the Forest is unsafe. The darkness though, it hasn't seemed to spread to the Wayward. Yet. I can only hope it's a good sign.
The full moon is coming again soon... I wonder what it will bring this month, wonder and worry. I picked up a couple new spells for myself too while we were gone, and though I hope I won't have to use them, at least I'll be ready.
Business has been actually - rather good the last couple days, somewhat surprising with the circumstances, but - I'm glad of it, it will fund my next trip for supplies, and as I haven't been able to talk to Emma lately, I worry about her too. I haven't seen Cypriana either, that worries me even more so with the moon coming. We're going to need her calmness and her and her Healers' talents after, we always do.
(Here the print breaks off again, a large ink spot as if the quill sat in the same spot too long, then...)
I... had a surprise yesterday, a rather pleasant one, and a repeat of it today, though cut short due to circumstances beyond my control. I'm not quite sure what to think, but I'll ponder it tonight in my Reverie.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Oct 7, 2015 21:07:39 GMT -8
~October 7th~
It seems my life is little but upheaval lately, I hope the end of it is in sight, well at least some of this, but every end is but a new beginning, and so I look upon it, for it is not all bad at all. Emma, our sweet Emma - so quiet, and kind, and everything a proper Elf should be, now I know why I admire her so much. She is the new Tari of the Vale, our little settlement, that seems to be growing oh so rapidly. I see new people nearly every day, Elves of different shapes and sizes, and though I still don't always feel comfortable around those I should consider kin, it's slowly becoming that way. It's almost as if with the announcement, that they have heard, and are called forth.
This Blight upon the Isle, so many things to inscribe, I'm behind. You know of the trip Cedar and I went on, the things we brought back. In the meantime, there was this old man, and a satchel, though I've found out since, the one he left with Emma was not the only one gifted. But it was through him that she found her place, and through him that we have another step closer to curing the Isle.
Viveka, the one I'd seen many times in passing, I now know by name and am glad to do so. She too has clues passed along, the pieces fitting together into the whole. I only know what my small portion is, things I saw, things I was told, and glad of it that I may help and assist in bringing together what I can. I need to talk to Emma tomorrow, I need to show her the Shrine, and then, well, we will see what happens.
So many changes, the little building snuggled beneath the trees has been razed to the ground, the place used for the new Elven hall, and my new -and hopefully last!- environs are within a large tower placed atop the hill.
It's... wonderful, the view is breathtaking and though I'd not expected quite the time and energy spent with so many other things about - I look forward to it being the beacon for the Mages of the Isle. My Astrena Tor... my Sanctum Tower. I've dreamt of this, hoped for this, wanted a way to bring casters together, not just the random occasions, the fleeting conversations. A place where people can come and learn, converse together, share knowledge. this is what I'd hoped for, and what I have now at my fingertips. Or pray to with a little work.
Not that I expect it to be easy, nothing ever worth fighting for, is.
I read those words, and find yet again I've given myself a double meaning. For that is not the only thing that has changed around me... around? No. Not just that, but what has changed -about- me. I find myself bewildered, confused, torn, amazed... thankful, not regretting a single moment, and delighted by every sunrise to wake beside him.
I know in my heart of hearts it won't last, can't. I'm not destined for such, I've made my peace that way, but - I've decided that confusing or not, I will savor every single moment I'm given, drink from this cup of life and merriment as if it will never empty, and when and if it should all be done? Well, for that then, I will remember it fondly in my Reverie.
It's getting late, there's more to say, but it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Until then.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Oct 14, 2015 14:59:46 GMT -8
~October 14~
He's leaving tomorrow.
I knew it would come, knew that the happiness I'd found was a tenuous thread, and still, I'm glad to have had it. He says he goes to take passage on a ship, try to find some supplies, I... I'm sure it's folly, we're so off-course, and it's so random that anyone comes across the Isle by choice now, but - perhaps he might? He expects to be gone a month, so he says. I just smile and nod, and hope, and take every little bit of happiness I can, while I can. Enjoy his presence, enjoy him, for as long as I can.
I won't forget him, what he's done. He asked if I'd take another while he was away, it... it floored me, so warm in my bed beside me and he would ask that? I ... I couldn't answer a moment, just... I can't even think of it. I don't think he meant it ill, but, I just don't know. I told him, after 150 years of being alone, and the few weeks besides him, I could wait a few more weeks. If he returns. If he doesn't, or he returns and things have changed between us? Then - well we'll go from there.
Goddess, this looks like the lament of some love-struck girl, but it's not. I know better! But it's the only place I can speak and not feel I have to ward my words for what others might think or say.
Cedar, has... tried to be understanding, but - even with her, she seemed so pleased, and I knew in the back of my mind this might happen. It's why I never told her his name. Won't. For if he does return, and things pick back up where they were, then all well and good, but if not. Well, if not, then best I keep the memory to myself.
It was amazing though, and frustrating and ... altogether too sweet to wake with him at my side.
All good things must come to an end.
May the bad ones do so as well, and this Blight be wiped off the face of this Isle, so that things return to normal, and people can recover, and the happiness will return.
Please, Goddess, let it be true.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Oct 17, 2015 7:11:55 GMT -8
~October 17~
It's done, he's gone.
I won't say that my heart goes with him, I don't think that's quite true, but a piece of me does, and I do hope he returns. He came to see me for a few too-sweet, too-short moments after the meeting in the Vale, and then he was gone. I can only pray that his trip is fruitful, and that he is safe, and with any luck, that he will return to find that all of the things that plagued the Isle have resolved on his return. If he returns. He tells me he will, that he wants to, hopes so, tells me with that look in his eyes of confidence, but - I can't, won't pin my hopes on it.
If he returns, if he still wants me, I'll be here, but we've not promised each other anything, I wouldn't have let him if he'd tried. But we both know better, I think.
I need to go pray, need to ask Her for guidance on this endeavour, to cure the Isle. There has to be something I'm missing and this is too important to mess it up now. I don't know if She'll answer me, but I have to try. And so I'll go, to speak to Her in my dreams.
Wish me luck.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Oct 20, 2015 21:39:57 GMT -8
~October 20th~
Well, She spoke to me alright...
We were able to band together, people all over the Isle, together to do Her will, and defeat the Druids. They and their shadeling pets seem to be gone.
But appearances can be deceiving.
I had another vision yesterday during my Reverie. This one filled with hate and destruction. Horrible vile things, worse than before, and at the end, all I saw was Her Shrine, and I heard a child's voice.
It worries scares me. It's not over. I've spoken to the two seers I know, both with somewhat differing ideas, but - we will try them both.
I'm so frustrated.
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Post by Merialeth (CaireannLiadan) on Oct 24, 2015 15:40:58 GMT -8
~October 24~
Oh Goddess, I've blown it.
The look on Cedar's face when I yelled out for her shooting Makki. I know she couldn't have known -told- her that I understood even, but - it wasn't enough.
I didn't mean it to come across as mistrust, I trust her more than anyone, but... I blew it. I didn't know what she was doing, wasn't asking because I didn't trust her, I just didn't know. And then when she mistook Garrett for another, oh Goddess - I thought I'd melt into the ground. How can I tell her I was too embarrassed to admit that the one I'd... fallen for spent time with, was gone? I didn't even want to admit his existence, knowing full well it wouldn't last, and well - I was right. He left.
Was it so bad to push those feelings back, bury them? Apparently so, for when the mistaken assumption was made of it being someone entirely different, well... Open mouth, insert foot.
I think I offended them both, I didn't mean to. Too surprised, and caught unawares to even think, I just blurted it out, and hurt them both.
I have to try to talk to her, if she'....
((Here the words break off and a line of ink scratches across the page as if interrupted))
I have to go. Someone's below ringing the bell. Please let it be her.
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