Mother Knows Best fashion column 10/2/2015
Oct 2, 2015 17:57:43 GMT -8
Cailean, Elka Otterpop, and 1 more like this
Post by denmother on Oct 2, 2015 17:57:43 GMT -8
Bonjour, darlings, Bonjour! And Bienvenue to my delightful little column for our charming small town paper. Now, I know what you are thinking: Lady Mont-d'Or, you are far too important to be wasting your time writing for the newspaper. And yes, that is true. But I am an important person who is quite given to charity, and I can think of no greater charitable need right now than fixing the miserable excuse for style on this island. The darkness, the hunger...They don't really matter, now do they? What is the sense in not dying of starvation, after all, if you aren't going to wear something nicer than a burlap sack?
Now, I've not the time to address everything wrong with Valeskan fashion at once, so you'll have to be patient as I handle things one at a time, darlings. We'll start, of course, with the most disgusting issue, and one that is horribly widespread: Women in trousers. I'm not certain what monster decided it was alright to show off the shape of their legs like that, but trousers are barely acceptable on a man. Fashionable gentlemen should be wearing pantaloons or leggings, paired with a doublet or tunic. Instead, darlings, I'm accosted constantly by shirtless barbarians in kilts. It is ghastly. Absolutely ghastly. But when women decide to dress that way? Well, I question how the Wardens feel so compelled to hunt down demons and the like, but evil abominations like trouser wearing ladies are allowed to walk free.
Ladies, of course, should be gowned. There is no excuse in the world for anything otherwise. After all, a beautiful woman is a confident woman, and a confident woman is a successful woman. Moreover, those wretched linen kirtles I see women wearing do not count as gowns. They are acceptable only for midwives. Fur and silk are the only acceptable materials, but since there is no food anywhere for the peasants to waste their money on, I see no reason why not to invest that money in food. If you are going to die of hunger, at least die looking pretty.
On to another little matter: Skin tone. It seems far too dark among the common folks, these days. But since I understand that the peasants must spend most of their time in the sun, I do have a proper solution: Make-up. By creating a mixture of white lead and vinegar, and spreading it over your horrible tanned skin, even you can look somewhat presentable at the next ball. It's called Ceruse, and it is divine...Although try not to wear it for too long at a time. It can give a nasty headache, darlings, and even I, being used to it, faint on occasion. Another sublime option for making the skin a healthy white is bleeding yourself heavily each day. You may feel a bit sluggish, but you'll look like a real lady.
Now I'm afraid that is all I have time to write for you all at the moment. You shall have to wait, for now. Until next time, keep your skin pale and your legs OUT of trousers. And remember...Mother always Knows best.
Now, I've not the time to address everything wrong with Valeskan fashion at once, so you'll have to be patient as I handle things one at a time, darlings. We'll start, of course, with the most disgusting issue, and one that is horribly widespread: Women in trousers. I'm not certain what monster decided it was alright to show off the shape of their legs like that, but trousers are barely acceptable on a man. Fashionable gentlemen should be wearing pantaloons or leggings, paired with a doublet or tunic. Instead, darlings, I'm accosted constantly by shirtless barbarians in kilts. It is ghastly. Absolutely ghastly. But when women decide to dress that way? Well, I question how the Wardens feel so compelled to hunt down demons and the like, but evil abominations like trouser wearing ladies are allowed to walk free.
Ladies, of course, should be gowned. There is no excuse in the world for anything otherwise. After all, a beautiful woman is a confident woman, and a confident woman is a successful woman. Moreover, those wretched linen kirtles I see women wearing do not count as gowns. They are acceptable only for midwives. Fur and silk are the only acceptable materials, but since there is no food anywhere for the peasants to waste their money on, I see no reason why not to invest that money in food. If you are going to die of hunger, at least die looking pretty.
On to another little matter: Skin tone. It seems far too dark among the common folks, these days. But since I understand that the peasants must spend most of their time in the sun, I do have a proper solution: Make-up. By creating a mixture of white lead and vinegar, and spreading it over your horrible tanned skin, even you can look somewhat presentable at the next ball. It's called Ceruse, and it is divine...Although try not to wear it for too long at a time. It can give a nasty headache, darlings, and even I, being used to it, faint on occasion. Another sublime option for making the skin a healthy white is bleeding yourself heavily each day. You may feel a bit sluggish, but you'll look like a real lady.
Now I'm afraid that is all I have time to write for you all at the moment. You shall have to wait, for now. Until next time, keep your skin pale and your legs OUT of trousers. And remember...Mother always Knows best.